29th March 2011

On Sunday we took time to regroup and lay out on paper what we are both expecting of this year – in ourselves, our walk with God and what we hope to have achieved. It was a good time and was quite healing to see life from another perspective again. I was beginning to lose heart big time and although I have been reading a book called “Free to Grieve” to help me know how I can and should be feeling – the emotions have been so overwhelming at times I haven’t known how to handle them. Praise God for a husband who allows me to go through it all in my own time and he hasn’t once said – oh come on get over it, he may have wanted to say it but he hasn’t (the whole mystery of how men are from Mars and women are from Venus – we are just Different). We committed it all to the Lord again and sure enough that night a “simple” thing became a argument and it was attack straight away. Monday morning it was still looming over us and it seemed the day just got worse. But we chose to not let – we took hold of the day and made it the Lord’s and it seemed to be ok after that.

The bathroom is getting there – Matt was working on the tiles, the ones we were using have been unavailable for a while so we have a new colour in there – so it is very mis-matched but it certainly has character! The chickens have been taking over the garden which is great as they find every possible grasshopper to eat, however as the puppies are not here at the moment (– we had to leave them with my mom and dad because we couldn’t bring them back in the back of the Bongo – the new vehicle addition) the chickens have forgotten they exist! William and Moses were laughing the other day saying that they think they own the place but have forgotten that there are two little guys who are away at the moment!

The garden is looking good. Moses has been doing an amazing job – there are flowers and green grass growing and it really feels like a home now. The water has its moments when the ram pump gets blocked up and Matt has to trek down the hill to the spring to get it going again, and although the water from the spring isn’t as much as it could be- rain has been a bit scarce the last few weeks – it still runs and keeps us going with water. We have had a hot bath every night since we got here!

Matt’s mom gave us some old photos of the view from the house and down by the dam from when his grandparents lived here and I can’t believe the change. I need to scan them and do a then and now to show you all how it has changed over the years.

This story was in our daily reading today “Streams in the Desert” – it is quite a profound story of how we need to leave things up to God – even though it is hard – He knows what He is doing.

“See how the lilies of the field grow (Matthew 6:28)

Many years ago there was a monk who needed an olive tree, so he planted an olive tree sapling. After he finished planting it, he prayed, “Lord, my tree needs rain so its tender roots may drink and grow. Send gentle showers.” And the Lord sent gentle showers. Then the monk prayed, “Lord, my tree needs sun. Please send it sun.” And the sun shone, gilding the once-dripping clouds. “Now send frost, dear Lord, to strengthen its branches,” cried the monk. And soon the little tree was covered in sparkling frost, but by evening it had died.

Then the monk sought out a brother monk in his cell and told him his strange experience. After hearing the story, the other monk said, “I also planted a little tree. See how it is thriving! But I entrust my tree to its God. He who made it knows better than a man like me what it needs. I gave God no constraints or conditions, except to pray, “Lord, send what it needs – whether that be a storm or sunshine, wind, rain, or frost. You made it, and you know best what it needs.”

28th March 2011

I have been avoiding writing because I have just not had the words to say really. The last few weeks have been one battle after the next. Matt got back safely after a very long time at the border, a long, hot, frustrating 2 days. It is criminal what goes on there – the ‘officials’ just wanting bribes and anything that is a normal process for clearing a vehicle is just a mission because if you don’t pay they don’t sway!!! Matt had to sleep at the border – which is like hell really – hot, no water to drink (not clean anyway), mosquitoes when he was trying to sleep in the car, so ended up on the pavement…just what I imagine hell to be like! But he returned home to me safely! We spent a few days in Harare after that – I went to the doctor who was so sad at about the miscarriage and has asked me to do a few blood tests just to check that all is ok. I felt so sad myself going there – knowing that last time we had been in his office we saw the heart beat.

We returned to Bonda – via Juliasdale to spend the weekend with the Edwards’. On our way there the sun started to set and it was a glorious few moments. The whole sky was lit up with pinks and oranges. I couldn’t take my eyes off of it. The ahead of us was the full moon rising (it was the closest to the earth that it has been in 18 years – so it was already very bright). I said to Matt that I felt the Israelites in the desert with the fire and the pillar of cloud to protect them – (ours was a sunset and a moon though!) I just had this overwhelming feeling watching this amazing scene of creation taking place that God was saying to me this is how much I love you! I began to weep and said to Matt that as much as I want to be angry with God for taking our baby I just couldn’t when we are surrounded by such beauty all the time and He gives us beautiful sunsets and full moons just to acknowledge his greatness!

Matt preached that Sunday at the sweet little church in Juliasdale that we go to. His whole theme was that no matter what we go through we need to keep the faith – he quoted from his favourite movie “Braveheart” that they may take our lives but they may never take our freedom. And that is what life is about, it is a battle and we can choose to let the enemy get the better of us and just give up or we can choose to fight and although it is tough and we lose heart we know that we can keep strong knowing that through it all the Lord is strengthening our perseverance and refining us to be something greater. We can learn through our hardships.

It was so refreshing to be back home though, to the familiarity of the half tiled bathroom and the brown hot water from the boiler, it is home and it is where we are meant to be!

15th March 2011

15^th March 2011

As I sit here writing this – once again my heart is broken! So much has happened since the last happy entry. We headed off to South Africa for a few days mainly to collect the vehicle we are bringing back to Zim and also for a wedding. The doctor gave me the go-ahead and all was well with baby and mumma. The drive to Cape Town was very long but beautiful, we had a glorious few days there, the weather was gorgeous and the scenery spectacular. The wedding was in a quaint little town about 2 hours from Cape Town called Tulbagh – it had lots of history including an old chapel built in 1710! We started our drive back to Johannesburg and had a few hic-cups with the Jeep, the fuel pump was playing up so we had to go back to a town we had gone through already to pick up a pump. We had planned on breaking the journey up into two parts so stopping for the night wasn’t an annoyance – it gave us a rest and the Jeep a rest too. We set off for Johannesburg the next morning and all was good – the car only started playing up as we got closer to Jo’burg but it wasn’t a stress at all. We figured that the Lord was keeping us either from something up ahead or teaching us a lesson on patience and trust. Turns out He was! The vehicle took an extra day to fix and it was a day I needed to be in a town not in a car or at the border!

Later that day I started to bleed again, slightly heavier than before but prayed and went to bed believing it was all gonna be ok. The next day I just rested – Matt had done all the driving but I was exhausted – I then began to bleed more and by that evening I had to go into ER (which I must add is nothing like it is on TV – they don’t rush you in right away unless your arm is falling off) we sat for 3 hours from 10.30pm til 1.00am before a doctor saw me – who told me she could do nothing for me but did get me an appointment with her gynecologist the next morning. Matt was so strong and kept telling me it was all ok – but I knew that night it wasn’t – there was too much going on inside of me that shouldn’t have been. The next morning we went to the gyne and our precious baby was no longer there. The shock of believing and praying and trusting to find that it hadn’t worked out as we expected it to was too much for me. I felt abandoned and angry. Why again? What had we/I done wrong? Did we not have enough faith? What was the Lord doing to us? It is the hardest thing a woman can go through in life and just hope the Lord will use my pain one day to help someone else.

I flew that night back to Harare and left my poor husband, (whose side I did not want to leave) – who is so strong and so brave to drive the Jeep back. He sorted out papers and was meant to be here with me tonight but instead he is sleeping on the pavement at the border because he needed more money for the duty and he couldn’t drive back in SA as the car was already exported and has to wait until morning to get to the bank!!! (He is on the pavement because it is too hot in the vehicle at the border). He has been calm in his messages to me – he feels he obviously needed some character work. Again – why Lord? I do not get how our Lord works but He sure does it in mysterious ways – ways that are not ours!

I do not have the answer to my why questions and I may never know them – whatever it is the Lord is doing must be something good – I so desperately want our baby back. We didn’t even get a chance to say good bye but I know it is somewhere better. I feel so empty and can only ask the Lord to fill that space. My womb lies waiting for the perfect time for the perfect baby.

This was sent to me and it seems very much what life is about at the moment for us. It is a battle – but the Lord uses it for His good:

Encourager Classic: "Holding Patterns"

Many times, God will allow a painful situation or a painful circumstance in our life to "swallow us up." This season in our spiritual growth is a holding pattern. We can't move to the left or the right. All we can do is sit, like Jonah sat in the belly of that great fish, so God can have our undivided attention and speak to us.

God put Jonah in a holding pattern because He needed to speak to his heart. Jonah was all alone. There were no friends to call, no colleagues to drop by, no books to read, no food to eat, no interferences, and no interruptions. He had plenty of time to sit, think, meditate, and pray.

When we're deep down in the midst of a difficult situation, God can talk to us. When He has our undivided attention, He can show us things about ourselves that we might not otherwise have seen.

When we are deep in the belly of a difficult situation, there are no interruptions. God has our undivided attention. All we can do is sit, think, meditate, and pray. Like Jonah, we cannot run from God, because there are no mountains that are high enough, valleys that are low enough, rivers that are wide enough, rooms that are dark enough, or places that are hidden from Him.

We must remember to praise Him while we're waiting, and remember three things:
1. The pattern has a purpose.
2. The pattern has a plan.
3. The pattern has a process.

So stop struggling and start listening, praying and trusting. He'll keep you right where you are until you can clearly hear Him say, "I love you."

Suggested Prayer: Father, forgive my unbelief. I know you love me and I will come to see the benefit of everything in my life, even this holding pattern, and the manifestation of my God is assured through You. You have planned nothing for me but victories and I am ready to receive them regardless of how difficult the path.

In times like these I often want to just shut everything out and keep mourning – but I need to still my hurt and let the Lord in and listen to Him. Because at the end of the day all He does want me to hear Him say is “I love you”.