29th March 2011

On Sunday we took time to regroup and lay out on paper what we are both expecting of this year – in ourselves, our walk with God and what we hope to have achieved. It was a good time and was quite healing to see life from another perspective again. I was beginning to lose heart big time and although I have been reading a book called “Free to Grieve” to help me know how I can and should be feeling – the emotions have been so overwhelming at times I haven’t known how to handle them. Praise God for a husband who allows me to go through it all in my own time and he hasn’t once said – oh come on get over it, he may have wanted to say it but he hasn’t (the whole mystery of how men are from Mars and women are from Venus – we are just Different). We committed it all to the Lord again and sure enough that night a “simple” thing became a argument and it was attack straight away. Monday morning it was still looming over us and it seemed the day just got worse. But we chose to not let – we took hold of the day and made it the Lord’s and it seemed to be ok after that.

The bathroom is getting there – Matt was working on the tiles, the ones we were using have been unavailable for a while so we have a new colour in there – so it is very mis-matched but it certainly has character! The chickens have been taking over the garden which is great as they find every possible grasshopper to eat, however as the puppies are not here at the moment (– we had to leave them with my mom and dad because we couldn’t bring them back in the back of the Bongo – the new vehicle addition) the chickens have forgotten they exist! William and Moses were laughing the other day saying that they think they own the place but have forgotten that there are two little guys who are away at the moment!

The garden is looking good. Moses has been doing an amazing job – there are flowers and green grass growing and it really feels like a home now. The water has its moments when the ram pump gets blocked up and Matt has to trek down the hill to the spring to get it going again, and although the water from the spring isn’t as much as it could be- rain has been a bit scarce the last few weeks – it still runs and keeps us going with water. We have had a hot bath every night since we got here!

Matt’s mom gave us some old photos of the view from the house and down by the dam from when his grandparents lived here and I can’t believe the change. I need to scan them and do a then and now to show you all how it has changed over the years.

This story was in our daily reading today “Streams in the Desert” – it is quite a profound story of how we need to leave things up to God – even though it is hard – He knows what He is doing.

“See how the lilies of the field grow (Matthew 6:28)

Many years ago there was a monk who needed an olive tree, so he planted an olive tree sapling. After he finished planting it, he prayed, “Lord, my tree needs rain so its tender roots may drink and grow. Send gentle showers.” And the Lord sent gentle showers. Then the monk prayed, “Lord, my tree needs sun. Please send it sun.” And the sun shone, gilding the once-dripping clouds. “Now send frost, dear Lord, to strengthen its branches,” cried the monk. And soon the little tree was covered in sparkling frost, but by evening it had died.

Then the monk sought out a brother monk in his cell and told him his strange experience. After hearing the story, the other monk said, “I also planted a little tree. See how it is thriving! But I entrust my tree to its God. He who made it knows better than a man like me what it needs. I gave God no constraints or conditions, except to pray, “Lord, send what it needs – whether that be a storm or sunshine, wind, rain, or frost. You made it, and you know best what it needs.”

28th March 2011

I have been avoiding writing because I have just not had the words to say really. The last few weeks have been one battle after the next. Matt got back safely after a very long time at the border, a long, hot, frustrating 2 days. It is criminal what goes on there – the ‘officials’ just wanting bribes and anything that is a normal process for clearing a vehicle is just a mission because if you don’t pay they don’t sway!!! Matt had to sleep at the border – which is like hell really – hot, no water to drink (not clean anyway), mosquitoes when he was trying to sleep in the car, so ended up on the pavement…just what I imagine hell to be like! But he returned home to me safely! We spent a few days in Harare after that – I went to the doctor who was so sad at about the miscarriage and has asked me to do a few blood tests just to check that all is ok. I felt so sad myself going there – knowing that last time we had been in his office we saw the heart beat.

We returned to Bonda – via Juliasdale to spend the weekend with the Edwards’. On our way there the sun started to set and it was a glorious few moments. The whole sky was lit up with pinks and oranges. I couldn’t take my eyes off of it. The ahead of us was the full moon rising (it was the closest to the earth that it has been in 18 years – so it was already very bright). I said to Matt that I felt the Israelites in the desert with the fire and the pillar of cloud to protect them – (ours was a sunset and a moon though!) I just had this overwhelming feeling watching this amazing scene of creation taking place that God was saying to me this is how much I love you! I began to weep and said to Matt that as much as I want to be angry with God for taking our baby I just couldn’t when we are surrounded by such beauty all the time and He gives us beautiful sunsets and full moons just to acknowledge his greatness!

Matt preached that Sunday at the sweet little church in Juliasdale that we go to. His whole theme was that no matter what we go through we need to keep the faith – he quoted from his favourite movie “Braveheart” that they may take our lives but they may never take our freedom. And that is what life is about, it is a battle and we can choose to let the enemy get the better of us and just give up or we can choose to fight and although it is tough and we lose heart we know that we can keep strong knowing that through it all the Lord is strengthening our perseverance and refining us to be something greater. We can learn through our hardships.

It was so refreshing to be back home though, to the familiarity of the half tiled bathroom and the brown hot water from the boiler, it is home and it is where we are meant to be!

15th March 2011

15^th March 2011

As I sit here writing this – once again my heart is broken! So much has happened since the last happy entry. We headed off to South Africa for a few days mainly to collect the vehicle we are bringing back to Zim and also for a wedding. The doctor gave me the go-ahead and all was well with baby and mumma. The drive to Cape Town was very long but beautiful, we had a glorious few days there, the weather was gorgeous and the scenery spectacular. The wedding was in a quaint little town about 2 hours from Cape Town called Tulbagh – it had lots of history including an old chapel built in 1710! We started our drive back to Johannesburg and had a few hic-cups with the Jeep, the fuel pump was playing up so we had to go back to a town we had gone through already to pick up a pump. We had planned on breaking the journey up into two parts so stopping for the night wasn’t an annoyance – it gave us a rest and the Jeep a rest too. We set off for Johannesburg the next morning and all was good – the car only started playing up as we got closer to Jo’burg but it wasn’t a stress at all. We figured that the Lord was keeping us either from something up ahead or teaching us a lesson on patience and trust. Turns out He was! The vehicle took an extra day to fix and it was a day I needed to be in a town not in a car or at the border!

Later that day I started to bleed again, slightly heavier than before but prayed and went to bed believing it was all gonna be ok. The next day I just rested – Matt had done all the driving but I was exhausted – I then began to bleed more and by that evening I had to go into ER (which I must add is nothing like it is on TV – they don’t rush you in right away unless your arm is falling off) we sat for 3 hours from 10.30pm til 1.00am before a doctor saw me – who told me she could do nothing for me but did get me an appointment with her gynecologist the next morning. Matt was so strong and kept telling me it was all ok – but I knew that night it wasn’t – there was too much going on inside of me that shouldn’t have been. The next morning we went to the gyne and our precious baby was no longer there. The shock of believing and praying and trusting to find that it hadn’t worked out as we expected it to was too much for me. I felt abandoned and angry. Why again? What had we/I done wrong? Did we not have enough faith? What was the Lord doing to us? It is the hardest thing a woman can go through in life and just hope the Lord will use my pain one day to help someone else.

I flew that night back to Harare and left my poor husband, (whose side I did not want to leave) – who is so strong and so brave to drive the Jeep back. He sorted out papers and was meant to be here with me tonight but instead he is sleeping on the pavement at the border because he needed more money for the duty and he couldn’t drive back in SA as the car was already exported and has to wait until morning to get to the bank!!! (He is on the pavement because it is too hot in the vehicle at the border). He has been calm in his messages to me – he feels he obviously needed some character work. Again – why Lord? I do not get how our Lord works but He sure does it in mysterious ways – ways that are not ours!

I do not have the answer to my why questions and I may never know them – whatever it is the Lord is doing must be something good – I so desperately want our baby back. We didn’t even get a chance to say good bye but I know it is somewhere better. I feel so empty and can only ask the Lord to fill that space. My womb lies waiting for the perfect time for the perfect baby.

This was sent to me and it seems very much what life is about at the moment for us. It is a battle – but the Lord uses it for His good:

Encourager Classic: "Holding Patterns"

Many times, God will allow a painful situation or a painful circumstance in our life to "swallow us up." This season in our spiritual growth is a holding pattern. We can't move to the left or the right. All we can do is sit, like Jonah sat in the belly of that great fish, so God can have our undivided attention and speak to us.

God put Jonah in a holding pattern because He needed to speak to his heart. Jonah was all alone. There were no friends to call, no colleagues to drop by, no books to read, no food to eat, no interferences, and no interruptions. He had plenty of time to sit, think, meditate, and pray.

When we're deep down in the midst of a difficult situation, God can talk to us. When He has our undivided attention, He can show us things about ourselves that we might not otherwise have seen.

When we are deep in the belly of a difficult situation, there are no interruptions. God has our undivided attention. All we can do is sit, think, meditate, and pray. Like Jonah, we cannot run from God, because there are no mountains that are high enough, valleys that are low enough, rivers that are wide enough, rooms that are dark enough, or places that are hidden from Him.

We must remember to praise Him while we're waiting, and remember three things:
1. The pattern has a purpose.
2. The pattern has a plan.
3. The pattern has a process.

So stop struggling and start listening, praying and trusting. He'll keep you right where you are until you can clearly hear Him say, "I love you."

Suggested Prayer: Father, forgive my unbelief. I know you love me and I will come to see the benefit of everything in my life, even this holding pattern, and the manifestation of my God is assured through You. You have planned nothing for me but victories and I am ready to receive them regardless of how difficult the path.

In times like these I often want to just shut everything out and keep mourning – but I need to still my hurt and let the Lord in and listen to Him. Because at the end of the day all He does want me to hear Him say is “I love you”.

2 March 2011

We saw our baby's heart beat!! It was such a miracle! We went in and I was rather nervous - it was the weirdest feeling to know that there was absolutely nothing that I could do! I just had to leave it in God's hands and let Him do the rest. I explained to the doctor about what had happened and he said well let's have a look. My heart was beating like crazy as he started the scan and I said to him that I was praying big time about this baby and that my faith was so strong at the moment. He smiled and said that is good but remember you can't change God's mind! And there it was, our tiny little 2.5cm baby with a beating heart! I wanted to cry when I saw it! The Lord is so good. He told me that it had been a threatened miscarriage - hence the bleeding but all was good with baby! What an answer to prayer! I may not have been able to change His mind but His word is so true and that was all I was believing in! I still need to just take it easy for a bit but there is life in my womb - our own tiny baby that we will get to love and cherish one day. It makes my heart swell with joy! To be a part of creation and to know that such a small little thing already has all its organs and is growing every day! What a miracle!

26th February 2011

The last few weeks have run away from me! Crazy how when you don’t keep track of things every day, you seem to get further away from doing it and then it never gets done!! We spent a week in Harare, Ethan’s 3rd birthday party – what a cute kid he is! Matt had a few things to do with the house in town and also feed back with the St John’s prefects and he spoke at their Scripture Union the one day. I love going back into town to see the family and to spend time with my little boys, but really the traffic there drives us mad! We are used to a traffic jam being a herd of cows crossing the road, but back in town it is insane public transport guys who I’m sure most of them bought their licenses! Anyways, the time was good and we found out in that time that I am pregnant again! After the last time we made sure we went straight to the doctor and he was able to scan and there was the little person. It is such an amazing thing to be part of creation like that! This is all such a complex thing though, to know that yes there is a little person inside of me, but not being able to see it all the time it is total faith that it is ok and that it is growing. This past week has been a tough one. We headed off on Monday morning to Marondera, 2 hours from us, where we were facilitating a camp for an orphanage from Nyanga. It was our first one together and we were looking forward to it. I was hit immediately by the enemy, well that is how I see it! His way of getting to Matt is often by taking me down! In Genesis it shows he hates Eve and that is how he draws man away from his mission – he attacks his princess. But we prayed and fought and I rested the whole week. You see I started bleeding and of course instantly I panicked after last time and was questioning God and crying out to him to please not let it happen again! The pain was so much last time, the heart breaking is not an easy wound to get over, only by the grace of God! I spent the days of camp in bed, resting and praying and crying out to God and praying some more. I have been reading a book called “Supernatural Childbirth” which could sound totally freaky but it’s just based on the word of God and how He is so much more powerful and that his word says He has blessed the fruit of my womb! I prayed the prayers against miscarriage and really felt a peace. It was a good time for me to spend with God, to know Him as my father, a father who cares and knows my anguish! It stopped and we rejoiced and believe that this child is a child of faith and that God is doing a miracle. It may have been nothing serious but it was still scary!

The camp went well and they are such special children. It broke my heart to hear some of their stories of abuse and neglect! How could someone do that to their child??? They were very timid at first and unfortunately there was the language barrier that we were stuck on, we had 3 guys with us who worked with them too and were able to translate all of Matt’s talks, but really we NEED to learn Shona! These are children who don’t have a whole lot, most of them are behind in school because of lack of education and malnutrition, but they aspire to be great things like engineers and teachers and nurses! What an example they could be to so many children who have it all and don’t even want to use it!

It was amazing to see how much the children had opened up by the end of the camp, their faces were brighter and they were more willing to talk and joke around with us! Such a blessing to work with children like that – to see their faith in God, when they would all close their eyes and pray aloud to “Mwari” (God) it brought tears to my eyes. I cried a lot those few days! I am convinced that God has buckets and buckets of my tears that perhaps he will shower down on someone else as a blessing one day! We are hoping to go and see them again soon and spend some more time with them. Their house is only about 50 minutes away from us.
We headed home and it was so nice to see our little puppies again, they have grown so much! Part of last weeks happenings was that the chickens were let out for the first time and Pedro decided he wanted one of them! We were in our bedroom when suddenly there was a blur past the bedroom window followed by a bark and a cluck! And there was Pedro hot in the heels of the poor chicken who wasn’t really that fast but had obviously convinced itself that if it went round and round a bush it may get rid of the dog, alas Pedro saw this as a challenge and he wet round and round the bush too! Matt laughed for a while and then realized that this was serious when Pedro had the chicken in his mouth! Whether he was gonna eat it or just play with it a while we didn’t want to find out, Matt got to it just in time though and the chicken was able to calm itself down inside of another bush. The chickens have since taken to going the other side of the garden and it seems the puppies have lost the desire to chase them!

Last week we were able to have our first proper bath though with hot and cold water! Matt was able to unblock the pipes in the bathroom and we can run the cold water now and flush the toilet! Completely novel to hear to the sound of water going into a toilet! Small things that are such a blessing. It was very exciting. It was Matt’s birthday too, so I baked a chocolate cake and the Edwards clan came to spend the day with us. It consisted of going down to the little canal where the water pumps along and each of us had a boat of some description (twigs, corks, bottles, pieces of wood – you name it) and set them off down the canal for a race, eating chocolate cake and more chocolate cake and climbing the tree that was cut down at the dam. It was a pretty exciting race, funny how a small piece of something can make people so competitive! The kids won all of them though! And they thoroughly enjoyed adventuring through the branches of the big ‘ole tree. I knew it would be a place of enjoyment for children.

The last 12 hours have been pretty tough again. I was fine all of yesterday but was hit with an emotional break down! I just kept asking God the why question and wasn’t getting a clear answer. Amazing how the enemy so easily makes us doubt and be confused but I refuse to let him get the better of me and I gave this pregnancy all to the Lord again. My poor husband can do nothing but love me and hug me. I keep saying that verse in Hebrews 11:1 “Faith is the substance of things hoped for, the evidence of things unseen.” I can’t see what is going on but just have to trust and believe that all is well. I have a doctor’s appointment on Monday morning.
I have been reading a book called “More than Conquerors” and it really is a good read if anyone ever sees it but reading it yesterday I read a story that I felt so applied to me and my faith.

During a weekly Bible study group in Kentucky, the book of Malachi was being studied. In Malachi 3:3, they read “He will sit as a refiner and purifier of silver.” The group discussed this analogy to understand what the significance was. It seemed the Lord chooses to put his people in the furnace; the purpose is to burn off the impurities; god watches the refining process take place; it’s a painful process. One woman in the group was fascinated by the analogy and wanted to gain the full impact of it, so she went to see a silversmith in action the following day. She observed him at work for a while, and then she asked him, “Do you have to sit the whole time the refining process is taking place?”
“Yes,” he replied, “it’s crucial - because if the refining process is exceeded by the slightest degree, the silver will be damaged.”
The woman was comforted by the thought that similarly the Lord was watching over her, and however difficult her current circumstances were he was in control. He wouldn’t let the refining process go on a minute longer than was required, because his purposes were good, and he didn’t want her to be damaged.
The silversmith carried on gazing intently into the furnace. After a while, the woman got up to leave, but as she was halfway out of the door, he called her back and told her he had forgotten one important detail: he only knew that the refining process was complete when he could see his own image reflected in the silver! (More than Conquerors by Simon Guillebaud)

This may not totally apply to faith, but for me at this time I believe it does. I can so see that the Lord is allowing me to get to a point where I seek Him wholeheartedly and put my trust in him alone! When we allow him to do the work, it may be painful at the time but it is so very rewarding as we draw closer to Him and see His face in where we are at in such a new way!
So it is well with my soul, and we continue to trust and believe and pray!

3rd February 2011

Today was a miraculous day! It rained – only a little but it was enough to water the garden and answer my prayers! But even better than that we got the ram pump going!!!!! We had been waiting for our friend to come and help us but he just couldn’t make it and so I said to Matt why not ask Herbert who stays with near us and does odd jobs for us. We did and he did know what to do. It was so awesome to watch the water from the spring flowing down the canal again and so see all the years of dirt clearing way for the water to flow forth! We spent a few hours down there between the actual pump and the source of the water while Herbert was working on the pump! At one point the water burst forth through the pump and sprayed Herbert and I but it felt so amazing to actually feel water on my face knowing that it was going to to go up to our house soon

I left the guys down there and went back up to the house to call Moses to fix a few leaks along the canal and while I was standing there I was suddenly aware of water coming out of the ground near the gate. William started to dig it up and there was the water just gushing out of a broken pipe. There was some old pipe left over from digging it all up a few months ago and Matt was able to use that and connect it to the broken pipe and start filling the tanks up. Wow I can’t express the joy we felt that day to see water coming out of the ground!! The cold taps in the house are still unfortunately blocked so we couldn’t get the water to go into the house just yet but we will get that done soon as we get back here from Harare. We were able to fill the boiler up though so we had our second hot bath! Amazing!!! Thank you Lord for being so faithful!

(We are in a bit of a rush to leave for Harare - Perdo and Holmes are going to visit their grandparents.. and so pics from the day of water to come in the next issue)

2nd February 2011

A new month! Still no rain! The clouds build up every day but the rain doesn’t come. Crazy how we can go from a week with high rain falls of 62mm to nothing – absolutely nothing! Tests my faith so much. Our drums and tanks all running dry again and we got no other working source of water at the moment. The ram pump from the spring is almost ready, but unfortunately almost doesn’t fill the tanks up! Have to keep trusting our King to provide. I found myself starting to get down and the feeling of “Can I really do this?” but read verses on joy and how the joy of the Lord is my strength and to be joyful in all things – even when we got no water I need to get my inner joy from the Lord. So much easier said than done – but it is a good exercise to exercise daily! Can I be joyful when we are in desperate times for water?? I am trying!

Having Perdo and Holmes is such a breath of fresh air at times like this. They are so sweet and joyful and just so happy to see me all the time. Pedro decided this morning that my leg was his chewing toy! He soon realized that it wasn’t when I jumped up. Poor things we had to take them to the vet yesterday for their 3 month rabies injection, the closest vet being in Nyanga which is a good hour drive away from us. Let’s just say that they are not used to being in a vehicle and ended up vomiting all over the place – car sickness!! They were very relieved to be back at home and on ground that stood still.

The clouds have built up again today – Lord please open the heavens!